The PTA breakfast was a few weeks ago. You know, the one I encouraged all working moms to go to. While it is good for your kids, it may not always be easy for you.
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I will start with just saying what happened. After everyone spoke, we split up, grabbed some coffee, and went to sign up for the different groups and events. This is also a good time to introduce yourself to people. While making the rounds, I ended up in a conversation with two women. One of them asked if I wanted to volunteer for the event she chaired. Her event requires volunteering during the weekday, so I simply told her I couldn’t since I worked.
Then I walked away. Many years ago, when I first had my son, I would have gone into a long explanation. I can’t tell you how many strangers I have assured that I spend plenty of time with my kids. Thankfully, I am past that point now. I don’t care what that woman thinks of me. Or if she thinks I am good mother because I work. Because I know I am.
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| This was about 2 minutes after that conversation, I decided it was my cue to leave! |
What I don’t understand is, why do we do this to each other? Maybe I am too defensive and she really didn’t mean anything by it. But how should I take it when she said, “I could never leave my kids.”
When someone tells me they stay at home with their kids I say, ‘That’s great!” If I meet someone who tells me they home school, or sent their kids to boarding school, or only let their kids eat vegan, or won’t ever cut their kids hair… you know what I say? “That’s great.” Because it IS great… for them. I don’t have to agree with it or like it. It’s not my family, so why should I care what they do? If it makes you happy then THAT’S GREAT.
Why can’t we just all support each other as mothers, as women? Why can’t we support each others choices, even if we don’t agree with them? I have yet to meet a mother who doesn’t think her child is her whole world. We ALL want what’s best for our kids, even if we have different ideas on what exactly that “best” is.
I know one thing… for the next PTA breakfast, I’m bringing wine.
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Yes! We should be supporting one another, not making snide comments (unintentional or not).
Right!! And I deal with stuff like this all the time, & I am sure SAHM's do as well!
I absolutely agree! Why can't we support each other instead of being judgemental?! People can be ridiculous. I bet that woman has no clue she made you feel the way she did. Maybe after you left she realized it, but probably not. Because people are stuck in their own world where everything they do is the right way. Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged for being a SAHM, but I do my best not to care. Because it works for us. I hope the next PTA meeting goes better!
It is probably more about my own issues with guilt and feeling bad over the fact that I work… I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. (And I think it is AWESOME that you are a SAHM!!!)
No. She. Didn't. This is EXACTLY what irks me about women. Yes, we all want what is best for our children, but no one has the right to judge another mother for the choices she makes. You handled it perfectly…and I'm sorry you went through this.
It happens more often than I care to admit, and I dont know why.. but I was really hesitant to write about it. This has been sitting in my drafts folder for weeks!
I don't understand why moms do this to each other. Do we not have it hard enough? I mean, raising kids can be HARD! We should be helping each other along the way, not trying to throw each other under the bus.
I kind of fear the day I have to interact with other parents. I know I shouldn't, but I do feel that way. :
It's exhausting really. I think we are all trying to be the best parent we can, so I dont get why people do this. (and you should be afraid of other parents)
I am so thankful to have found a group of women who don't do this to each other! SO THANKFUL. And when I hear it from others, I have realized it's more about their own insecurities. What we're really all trying to do is the very best we can. I'm with you on the wine 🙂
And what made it suck even more is the fact that I already feel like the odd mommy out even going to the PTA meeting.. they all kind of know each other, etc.. but there was really nothing I could do or say.. so I left. Haha!
Ahh, you nailed it. It's so hard being a human, let alone a woman, let alone a mom. You handled it very gracefully! I'm presently bothered about how a mom of four at the playground last week spoke very condescendingly to me about how I only had one child. LAST WEEK…and I can't shake it. Grr, people. Grr.
Oh I can relate, my first child was 5 by the time we had our second, and for awhile I wasnt sure if we were going to have another one… and i was SHOCKED by how many people gave me their opinions on it!! I am sorry that happened to you! Confirmation that people are just plain crazy!!
What I'm starting to realize is that motherhood is laden with guilt. When you don't work, it's almost as if you have to qualify staying at home as a real gig…I seriously struggle with trying to sound like a functioning member of society when you say "I am a stay at home mom." Those women were probably lamenting the fact that most of us SAHMs were not able to stand strong enough to return back to work…or at least I wasn't. You are a mother I respect SO much and you're doing an AWESOME job.
Great point! And it is very possible that she didnt see anything wrong with what she was saying, but since I do always deal with guilt over the fact that I work, it ended up hurting my feelings, more because of my own issues. And I def think being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs out there, and you dont even get paid for it.. except for in kisses, and those DO count! 😉
she has her own issues. before and after she quit her job.
You are prob right… her poor friend though.. I wish I could have taken a picture of her face!! HA!
I do not get the mommy wars at all and I would have had to have fought off the urge not to go passive aggressive on her. In some ways, I think the grass is greener. I don't have the option not to work right now, although I would love to be able to stay home. I wonder if some of the snark is envy disguised? As always, great writing and I LOVE the selfie!
I'm with you.. right now we in a situation where we are financially responsible for other members of our family.. so my husband and I both have to work. I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom.. but right now, I just cant. No one knows what is really going on in a persons life, which is another reason why I support others.. since there could be more behind it that is out of their control.
Yep, thanks kind of rude, we should never judge each others choices and if it work for them..that's great! After staying home and now working full time I do have horrible Mommy guilt for leaving them….BUT I definitely make it an extra point to squeeze in every moment of QT I can with them!
Yes, my constant mommy guilty is prob why it got to me, too! 😉
What a great reminder that there is no need to be competitive or judgmental because parenting is difficult enough as it is without adding insults from others!
I totally agree! Being a mom is tough stuff, no matter what you do!
Amen! I hate mom wars…intentional or not. Were hard enough on ourselves without other moms extra layers of guilt. You're doing great!!! We all do what's best for our kids and families, and what we have to do!
Yes, I think I am my WORST critic when it comes to parenting!
That's funny because I always get questions and looks about being a stay at home mom. I often get asked, "What do you do with her (my daughter) all day?". Honestly I often wish I was a working mother…. well, maybe part time. 🙂
A lot of my SAHM friends tell me the same thing, that they always feel like they need to justify the fact that they stay home, which is horribly sad since raising a family is one of the hardest jobs out there! and I am with you on the part time thing, maybe one day I will cut back a bit! 😉
AMEN! Women can be such jerks (how's that for a sentence to end the Mommy Wars? Haha.) I know what you mean about being defensive though. I get really defensive every time the breastfeeding topic comes up because I had to switch two of my three to formula when they were having allergy issues. I'm super (overly) sensitive about it, so I always assume I'm being judged, even if I'm not. (See, even now I had to include the allergy part to try to explain myself instead of just saying, "I gave my kids formula. Deal with it.") Anyway, my point is, I feel you! Let's just all get along and support each other!!
I guess as moms we are all hard on ourselves for different things… I am also super sensitive about working, since I DO feel guilty about the time I miss with my kids. But it has taught me to watch what I say to other moms, which led me to my "That's great!" mentality! 😉
I have experienced it both ways. I got snide comments when I was a full time working mom and now I get them as a SAHM. With some moms you just can't win and really who cares? Like it you said, why should anyone care about what another family is doing. Women can be very judgmental but i bet they'll want some of your wine 🙂
Oh my, that is so interesting that you got it on both sides! When you are dealing with a room full of women I guess I should have expected it! ha! (and I only will share my wine with the NICE mommas!)
I totally agree! To each their own, right? I wrote a similar post a few months back. It's hard for most people to see both sides, but as someone who has been a working mom and a stay-at-home mom – I definitely get it!
http://www.chanitydawn.com/2014/01/stay-at-home-moms-vs-working-moms.html?m=1
I am going to check out your post right now! 🙂
Ugh! So sorry that happened to you. Really sucks!
It was annoying, but I am SO used to it at this point, it is crazy how often it happens.
I completely avoid talking about this topic but I am going to send you a virtual fist bump 🙂
Ha! I was really scared to post this for some reason, so I feel ya! Its been in my 'drafts' folder for weeks!
I have so many smart comments that come to mind when people say stuff like this to me. For instance, "Is your child NOT in the same school as mine? Are you here all day?." But, I don't say them because it won't help the situation. I simply say, "I enjoy being a mom and a professional. I'm glad women before me fought so I don't have to choose one over the other."
What a great answer! I need to have something planned like that, since no matter how many times it happens to me I am ALWAYS caught off guard! ha!
Wow, that's just plain mean. Can't believe she said that! I don't think some people quite get it. Doing one over the other doesn't make you a better parent. Every family should do what works best for their own unique situation. You probably did the right thing by walking out!
I still wonder if her friend said anything to her about it when I walked away! She may not have even realized.. but ugh.. it sucked.
Oh that's just unfortunate. Sometimes people just don't think about how hurtful their words are. I get things like this all the time but with regards to homeschooling….
– "Aren't you worried about her social skills?"
– "You must be crazy."
– "Aren't you worried that she won't be able to go to university?"
It's awful and although at times I feel like I could bite someone's head off, I bite my tongue instead and usually excuse myself from the conversation.
I concur with bringing the wine.
You handled this well.
xoxo
It is so interesting reading comments since a lot of moms go through this, but based on different scenarios.. SAHM, homeschoolers, allergy issues, it seems no mother is immune to judgement… which is HORRIBLE! Seriously, it is time for mommies to grow up and play nice. 😉
Wow, I can't believe she said that…how rude! I help out in the classroom but sometimes avoid the PTA meetings for this exact reason.
Haha, I know it! I am def dreading the next big PTA event!
Gosh, I work from home and I get it from all sides! How do you find the time for work? How do you find the time for your kids? Why does your house always look like a bomb went off – aren't you home all day? You can't please everyone. Thankfully, with my second, I no longer launch into a defensive speech about my kid's milk protein allergies when I whip out a bottle of formula. I just keep smiling and ignore the slight sneer of superiority. 😉
Yes, I think we all just get to a point when we realize that there are always people out there that want to judge us.. but its how we react to it that makes the difference! Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
Couldn't pay me to do the PTA. Nothing against helping the kids or really the teacher, though I do think kids need time with other authority figures who aren't Mom, but these days PTA seems to self select for these types of passive aggressive moms. It's a chore and often a spiraling one at that. The party requires a fund raiser to have a nice party. Last years nice party can be topped if we have a better fundraiser…
hahaha I kind of agree with you.. its a rare group. 😉
Ugh. I'm so glad I found your blog through the Rattles and Heels link up! I wish people would be kind enough to get that we feel enough guilt as working moms already. We don't need your horrified looks, your pity, or your judgments.
I know! Trust me, no one is harder on me than ME! 😉 Thanks for stopping by!
Argh…..I hate these ridiculous mommy wars! Being a mom is hard enough, we certainly don't need the judgement from other mothers based on OUR choices for OUR children. My baby isn't school-age yet but keep me posted re: the PTA meeting with wine and I'm there 😉 Visiting from #rattleandheel
Yes, I will never walk in without alcohol again! Maybe mimosas? 😉
There are all these articles and official statements (by moms!!) that state that this whole Mommy Wars thing is a myth. I'm so glad you posted this — it, unfortunately, is a thing.
I'm a stay-at-home mom, was a work-at-home mom for a while, and have received comments from other moms about "what do I do all day?" Although I chose to be a SAHM, I definitely don't intend to stay in this role, and if I had had a job I truly loved or needed the dual income, I probably would have worked. It was simply a choice I made.
Women always seem to be at each other for some reason. Maybe the woman was jealous that she doesn't work away from home.
It's awesome and overwhelming that women have all these choices these days — you'd think we'd all be evolved enough not to make comments like these that hold us all back.
right, no matter what we choose as women (and mommies) someone will ALWAYS have something negative to say.. and I just wish it would STOP! Thank you for taking the time to comment!
true, true and true. great post.
I work part time (25 hours per week) so I live in some kind of neutral land on this topic. But we should all be neutral/supportive of other people's situations.
That would be my perfect situation.. part time!!! Hopefully one day I will be able to be on neutral land too! 😉 Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment!!
I feel a little late to comment because everyone has echoed my feelings. It is hard to be a SAHM and it is hard to be a full-time or part-time working mom. We all make the choices we do with full knowledge that we are giving something up in making that choice. We are all doing the best we can… can't we just get along? PS: love the pic.
Thank you! Yes.. not my most flattering picture, but it was seriously MOMENTS after it happened, and I knew it would be a blog post! 😉
Honestly, I think people say stupid things like the mother in your post because they are defensive themselves. It can be a really difficult decision (or even out of your control) whether you decide to stay home or go back to work. I think moms just want to feel confident in the decision they make. Now, of course they should not be putting down other moms in the process. Whenever someone says something negative about me staying home (don't you get bored all day; I couldn't do that) I just brush it off as their own insecurity or they suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome. haha.
I agree with you, when I would over explain to people why I worked, it was because I wasnt sure if I was really okay with it.. now its much easier for me to brush off!
Wow. She probably didn't intend to say something that was so judgemental to you, it was probably just a reflection of something that is so ingrained in her belief system, but seriously, girlfriend needs a filter. I find that part of my job as a working mom is not only to support working moms, but demonstrate that working motherhood can be done, and it can be done WELL – especially demonstrating this to people who may not have encountered that before. Good for you for showing up, not jumping on the drama, and demonstrating your love and commitment to your kid's education, and hopefully that woman will have other similar encounters (with you or other working moms) that can help her start to break down those stereotypes.
Yes, it prob doesnt help that I am super-sensitive about that issue already! But I have learned to just keep my big mouth shut! Thank you for taking the time to comment, hope you are having a great week!
When did it become a sin for moms to work? I think working moms work twice as hard as SAHMs like me. If I say 'I couldn't do it' to a working mom it would only be because I probably wouldn't have the stamina or brain power to do it!
Yes, I dont think I would have been upset if she would have worded it that way… but to say "I could never leave my kids.." I hate leaving them too! lol And I have never met women with more stamina than Stay at home mommies! You guys never get a break! 😉
These ladies exist everywhere, and I wish they would bite their tongues. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive, perhaps not. I usually come home to my husband when I get one of these lines and vent – and then he reminds me were a good parents, raising good kids and everyone is doing just fine.
Yes, my hubby is often the voice of reason as well when I have a working mom breakdown!! I hope you are having a wonderful week! Thanks for stopping by!
I admire the grace with which you handled this situation. I am downright exhausted of moms constantly tearing one another down, dividing ourselves on every topic from working to feeding to sleeping. There is so much good we could accomplish if we started working together instead of against each other!!!
Thanks for linking up with the #SHINEbloghop!
Its taken me a LONG time to just keep quiet in these situations.. I wasnt always as graceful! 😉
I love this!!!! Mamas need to stop hating and just learn to get along! Thanks for linking up with us a the Mommy Needs a Timeout Thursday Linky. Hope to see you again this week. Party starts Wednesday night at 8 pm EST!
Lauren
Twin Tested, Pin Approved
Yay! i will go check it out right now.. thank you for stopping by!
I love you. I am just SO excited I found you through the Shine blog hop!! I HATE that this happened to you- but I just ADORE your perspective. You go mama!!! Let the judgers judge and carry on… some people will never get it. Shame on them.
Aww thank you!! I am glad you stopped by! Have a wonderful weekend!!
HAHAHA! (to the wine part) Now I want wine.
I'm not a mom but from the outside looking in, whoa…I'm not excited to jump into that mess. But the thing is, as a single woman, it feels just as bad. I'm 33 and not married. You don't know how many times I've heard someone's opinion about that. Or the fact that I DON'T have kids. That one is the worst. I mean, it's not like I wanted to spend my 20's and 30's single and sometimes lonely, is it? (No.)
I actually want to be a working mom because I nannied once. For many years. Many children. I raised someone's babies into functioning Kindergarteners and then onward to another family. And I know how much work it is, even when you love them and it isn't "work" because of the love. My mom was a stay at home mom and she loved it and suggests it to me all the time. I used to scoff at her but now I just tell her I'll consider it as my second choice, or maybe I'll raise the kids for a few months and then maybe my husband will stay at home. Who knows? I don't have them yet, so I can't make plans yet.
I can tell you no matter what you decide it is such a tough choice, and no matter what you will probably feel like you made the wrong decision! haha!